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Monthly Archives: May 2013

Our Journey To Parenthood

This marks the final week of Divine In The Daily’s 5-week guest post series titled Special Mamas! Every Wednesday in May, we’re honoring real-life mamas who have big hearts and stand bold and courageous in their unique mothering roles.

Four weeks ago, Jennifer Camp, blogger at You Are My Girls and mother of three, kicked off our series with a guest post titled When Mothers Cry Rescue. 

Three weeks ago, Tamara, mother of seven, was honored with a family photo session and beautiful tribute from her husband and children in this post!

Two weeks ago, MNAutismMom, shared anonymously about the joys and challenges of raising her five-year-old son who has autism in this post.

Last week, Jennifer wrote about her lifelong desire to become a mom which led her down an unexpected path to foster parenting in this post.

And this week, I’m honored to introduce Lisa who wraps up the Special Mamas series with a guest post about her long journey to motherhood, including years of infertility, miscarriages, and ultimately, a beautiful baby boy through adoption. Lisa is a former colleague of mine, and although we haven’t worked together for six years, we continue to support and encourage one another through regular email contact. I invited Lisa to share her story on my blog many months ago, so I was beyond delighted when she felt the time was right and agreed to be part of this series!

Who am I, O Sovereign Lord, and what is my family, that you have brought me this far?   2 Samuel 7:18

We knew that in this world we would have troubles (John 16:33), but did not expect it with having children. Two known miscarriages, 3 unsuccessful In Vitro Fertilization (IVF) interventions, and 8 years later, the Lord brought us to an amazing adoption agency (New Life Family Services), birth family, and our Jack. He has gone “way past our way past” and “beyond our beyond” in this journey. We share our story not for pity, but to testify to God’s faithfulness in our lives and His best for us. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all (2 Corinthians 4:17).

My name is Lisa. My husband, Scott, and I met in February of 1999 and were married in August of 2001. We truly are best friends and like that corny, yet—let’s be honest—beautiful line in the movie Jerry Maguire, “You complete me,” we do complete each other. We balance each other out, especially in regards to our personalities. Little did we know at the start of our marriage that the Lord would eventually use our close friendship and complimentary personalities to walk us through the “wilderness” for a season; a long one by the world’s standards.

Ever since we knew the understanding of the word parenthood, Scott and I pictured ourselves one day becoming a father and a mother. Connecting and working with children has always come natural to us because of how the Lord has wired our personalities. After having a few years together as a couple, we decided to plan for parenthood. Our start was nothing serious or necessarily intentional, but we felt we were ready to be parents and were open to “if it happens now, wonderful” and “if not, we’re content…for the time being.” Although we briefly discussed it, the thought of having any difficulty conceiving and/or maintaining a pregnancy really did not settle into our minds to warrant a serious conversation and a plan of action. It really was not on our radar, which I’m sure could be said for many couples.

More than a year had gone by without a known pregnancy. We decided it was time to get serious. Per recommendation from a friend, I read through parts of the book Taking Charge of Your Fertility by Toni Weschler, MPH. We charted almost everything and figured out my cycle, but still no known pregnancy. During one of my annual exams, the doctor told me that my husband and I should consider fertility testing due to the length of time we had gone without a pregnancy.

And, there it was—our first encounter with the possibility of not having children of our own.

Our initial response was moderate concern. Fear approached us, but did not settle in us—by God’s grace. We pursued fertility testing. I will never forget the day of our results after going to a specialist. He was a very kind and honest doctor. He told us that there were some mild problems, but they could be addressed and that achieving and maintaining a pregnancy with minor intervention should be attainable. And then, he paused, and said something to the effect of, “Oh, I see there is one set of results we haven’t received yet—genetic testing. Let me see if that has come through yet.” He did not appear concerned about those results. Scott and I also were not concerned about this as there were no known issues within our immediate and extended families. Ten minutes passed as we sat in the exam room. We discussed the first set of results and were thankful that the issues were mild and were very excited to continue our pursuit of parenthood.

And then, the doctor came into the room with a somber look on his face and told us that he was so very sorry—that the genetic testing results were not good, that there was a significant problem and achieving and maintaining a pregnancy would be difficult.

Wow. In a 10-minute span, we experienced excitement to press on and then…utter disbelief. Tears of confusion and sorrow came.

In that moment and for the next few years, it was difficult—very much so; yet, through it all we knew God was with us and for us. We had hope—the kind of hope that only comes from Him alone. Above all else, we wanted His will for our lives. We still asked Him for the desires of our hearts, and it was very hard at times to ask for His will to be done; however, He sustained us. He sustained us through His Word…through prayer…through worship…through the power of His Spirit working within us…and through a solid (beyond solid) support system of family and friends.

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In His great mercy He has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade. This inheritance is kept in heaven for you, who through faith are shielded by God’s power until the coming of the salvation that is ready to be revealed in the last time. In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. Though you have not seen Him, you love Him; and even though you do not see Him now, you believe in Him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the end result of your faith, the salvation of your souls.   1 Peter 1:3-9

The Lord was there when we received the heart-breaking news of those initial fertility results. He was there when I was hunched over the side of our bed, with Scott’s arms around me, comforting me while I was crying out with pain and anger. He was there when friends all around us were getting pregnant with ease—always thanking the Lord for this, yet not understanding why this couldn’t be us, too. He was there when a very difficult work situation occurred in the midst of our fertility struggles, which the combination of these two trials almost made it all unbearable at times. He was there when we asked Him for wisdom regarding In Vitro Fertilization—is this okay to do? He was there when our first IVF intervention was unsuccessful. He was there when we saw and heard the heartbeat of our first child at 6 weeks. He was there when I was in labor with pain and contractions over a 5-hour period, delivering our first child at 9 weeks; August 28th, 2009. He was there when a sweet couple from our church small group shared a healing book with us, I’ll Hold You in Heaven by Jack Hayford. He was there when our second child died at 5 weeks on February 5th, 2010.

And…

He was there when we saw and touched our beautiful and amazing baby boy, Jack Harrison, on the night he was born—Thursday, August 9th, 2012 at 7:53 p.m.

Not flesh of my flesh, nor bone of my bone,

But still miraculously my own.

Never forget for a single minute:

You didn’t grow under my heart, but in it.

-Fleur Conkling Heyliger-

Jack means God is Gracious, Redeemed, Successor. Harrison means Courageous. In a way, his name describes our journey. We chose it from the start and held onto it for 8 years. When God put us on the path of adoption, we desired to somehow connect our chosen female/male names to the birth family. When we first met Jack’s beautiful birth mother and family, we found out her name was the feminine version of his and that the name Jack also was a family name of hers. About 3 months prior to even knowing about her and our son growing in her womb, we purchased two, husky dog, stuffed animals—one for our future child and one for his/her birth mother; a way to connect them. When we met Jack’s birth family, we found out that husky dogs were dear to them. They had raised around 20 husky dogs at one time and had been into dog sledding for years as a family. And the best part—Jack’s birth mother surrendered her life to Christ through the adoption process.

God was in the details, big and small. 

The first day we went to church with Jack in our arms, one of the scriptures shared was Psalm 37:4—Take delight in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart. One of the worship songs was “God is Able” by Hillsong United, which now is like our family anthem:

God is able
He will never fail
He is almighty God
Greater than all we seek
Greater than all we ask
He has done great things

Lifted up
He defeated the grave
Raised to life
Our God is able
In His name
We overcome
For the Lord
Our God is able

God is with us
God is on our side
He will make a way
Far above all we know
Far above all we hope
He has done great things

Lifted up
He defeated the grave
Raised to life
Our God is able
In His name
We overcome
For the Lord
Our God is able

God is with us
He will go before
He will never leave us
He will never leave us
God is for us
He has open arms
He will never fail us
He will never fail us

Lifted up
He defeated the grave
Raised to life
Our God is able
In His name
We overcome
For the Lord
Our God is able

For the Lord
Our God is able
For the Lord
Our God is able

Our fertility and adoption journey has truly made our marriage and faith stronger. It could have been the opposite. We are so thankful to the Lord for our outcome. I just pinch myself every time I pull out Jack’s cute, little clothes from the dryer or when I get a glimpse of his swing hanging from our birch tree in the front yard or when I walk passed our three bike helmets hanging in the garage…I could go on and on.

So very thankful.

Again, we testify to God’s faithfulness in our lives and His best for us. We trust that our story will encourage others to persevere with hope when faced with a difficult trial and to be reminded that God is for them and has a profound and specific plan for their lives that will bring Him glory.

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on Me and come and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. You will seek Me and find Me when you seek Me with all your heart. “I will be found by you,” declares the Lord, “and will bring you back from captivity.”   Jeremiah 29:11-14.

Lisa

 

Susan Baunsgard-Detiveaux - Ahhh I love this… I’m the one that was blessed though… Dad ❤June 5, 2013 – 4:00 am

Lisa - Thanks so much for the kind words, Kris/Mom/Gma :), Danielle (How are you, mom of 2?! What cuties you have!!!), & Jenny (Mom of 3 now!!! That photo of Maren is so cute!), and for reading our post. Amen to the importance of family, Kris! And, amen to gifts from God and destined to be ours…absolutely, Danielle! And…the beauty that comes with it…amen, Jenny! Lots of amens!!! :) Much love to you three!May 31, 2013 – 1:49 pm

Jenny Setterholm - This is beautiful Lisa! May 31, 2013 – 1:58 am

Kris Olson Kosloski - What a beautiful testimony to the importance of family…however this blessing takes place in our lives! I am so proud of you, Lisa and adore little Jack and your family.May 31, 2013 – 1:01 am

Danielle Mickelson - Love to you Lisa. I am so grateful that Jack was delivered into your arms. These children are our little gifts from God and were always destined to be ours though the vessel not our own. Hugs!May 31, 2013 – 12:17 am

Lisa - I agree, Tom! That Fleur Conkling Heyliger poem is absolutely beautiful and so true. I’m glad you can relate. God is good!May 30, 2013 – 8:46 am

Lisa - Thanks for reading our post, Nicole. I miss you! I can say the same thing about your post, too. I know you and your husband can relate. God is faithful! Sending hugs right back to you!May 30, 2013 – 8:41 am

Amy B. Pederson - How wonderful, Tom! I understand why you can relate so well to this post. You HAVE been blessed! May 30, 2013 – 1:26 am

Tom Baunsgard - Not flesh of my flesh, nor bone of my bone,

But still miraculously my own.

Never forget for a single minute:

You didn’t grow under my heart, but in it.

Beautiful! I totally understand this! That is how I feel about all three of the kids that God gave me to raise, Susan, Michael and Steven. Thank you God and thank you Rae (RIP). I was blessed again in my second marriage with three young men, Joseph, William and Michael. Thank you Susan! Most of all, thank you Lord for all of these wonderful blessings!

Thank you Amy for posting this!May 29, 2013 – 11:53 pm

Nicole Marie Newfield - No words for how beautiful these words are, Lisa. I will have to read it over again several times to absorb all the meaning. Sending many hugs!May 29, 2013 – 6:15 pm

Meet Jennifer: Special Foster Mama

This marks week four of Divine In The Daily’s 5-week guest post series titled Special Mamas! Every Wednesday in May, we’re honoring real-life mamas who have big hearts and stand bold and courageous in their unique mothering roles.

Three weeks ago, Jennifer Camp, blogger at You Are My Girls and mother of three from Northern California, kicked off our series with a guest post titled When Mothers Cry Rescue. 

Two weeks ago, Tamara, mother of seven, was honored with a family photo session and beautiful tribute from her husband and children in this post!

And last week, MNAutismMom, shared anonymously about the joys and challenges of raising her five-year-old son who has autism in this post.

This week, we continue the series with a guest post from my husband’s cousin, Jennifer! I met Jennifer almost 18 years ago. She is kind, loving, beautiful, and genuine. Anyone who has seen Jennifer around children knows she has a special fondness for them. I invited Jennifer to guest post as part of this series because I want to acknowledge the commitment she’s made to children in her life, and honor her special role as foster mom. Jennifer and her husband, Brian, have the great fortune of providing children stability in the midst of instability.

For as long as I can remember, I wanted to be a mom.

I was lucky to grow up in a family where my mom was able to stay at home with us kids while dad worked and provided for the family. Mom set the example of being a good, kind, fun, and loving mom. Her songs were endless, her cooking plentiful, and her love, never ending. I suppose it was because of her and the fact I loved children that I wanted to grow up and be a mom.

So I began this “mom” journey with babysitting. My first clients were my three cousins, Seth, Stephen, and Jacob. I had to be 12-years-old in order to babysit, and I couldn’t wait. I made $1.25 an hour for three kids and loved working four hours so I’d get a five dollar bill. I was a good babysitter. I entertained them with my musical abilities, knew enough to cover the TV screen when Charo from Love Boat came out in her skimpy bikini top, cleaned and did dishes, and often gave too much ice cream. Basically, I was playing house and I loved it!

As I got older I still loved to babysit. My jobs out of high school mostly involved children. I worked at the YMCA, taught swimming lessons, and worked in the nursery. I was a camp counselor at an overnight camp, and did a few summers as a day camp counselor.

My goal, my dream, was to be married by the time I was 19 and then we’d have children. I didn’t know then, that at age 44, I would still not have children. I was expecting things to work the old traditional way – meet someone, get married, and then have kids. Well, I didn’t have boyfriends in high school and didn’t date after high school either, so meeting someone just wasn’t happening.

In my mid-twenties, my youngest brother got sick with leukemia, had a bone marrow transplant, and after five months in the hospital, died.  This event, this illness, this death, and the impact it had on me and my family was overwhelming. As I look back on it, I feel like I lost a lot of years. Much of my free time was spent with my grieving parents keeping them company. Seven years after my brother died, my father died. Life got worse for me before it got better.

What was extremely hard for me during all these years was not having someone to share my life, my love, and hurt with. I felt so alone. I couldn’t understand why God wouldn’t help me find someone to share my life with when a mate and children is what I wanted more than anything.

During those years lost, I didn’t give that much thought to children, as I was so consumed with everything else. Then in my early 30s, I had my first boyfriend. Yes, it was THAT long! One day, he made a comment that “our grandkids would be running all over the house.”  I was somewhat dumbfounded. I had never thought about having grandchildren. I hadn’t even had kids yet! That boyfriend didn’t last long, but the spark for kids was ignited within me again.

I had made a decision. I called my local county social services department and inquired about foster care. After several months of trainings and meetings, I became a licensed foster parent and it wasn’t long before I got my first call to take in a child. One child turned into two children, a brother and sister, ages 10 and 11, and since it was school break for them, I got the class guinea pig as well.  There it was, instant motherhood! It was great. I got to cook for them, talk with them, play with them, and even tuck them in, then they’d wake up and I’d repeat. These kids were good kids – fun, friendly and yes, somewhat scared. They’d never been in foster care before and were careful to not share too much. Fortunately, their mom was decent and had just made a bad choice, so the kids were with me for two weeks and then went back to their mother.

Next, I had two brothers, ages six and seven. One quiet and reserved, the other a constant talker, dancer and singer.  These two children came to me with 11 articles of clothing between the two of them. I took them shopping a couple days later and bought them Batman Underoos. One of my greatest memories was seeing the joy of these two freshly bathed boys running around the living room and dining room pretending they were Batman, wearing their black t-shirts with Batman emblems on the chest and undies with thick yellow trim. They’d get up on the couch, give a bounce and fly off. I didn’t even care they were jumping on the couch – this is what boys do, so fly Batman, fly! As cute as they were, they came with challenges too. The younger Batman would constantly turn the dimmer light in the dining room on then off, on then off. Forget chasing him, because he was younger and faster and kept changing his direction, so I looked ridiculous chasing a six-year-old around a table. (How many of you have done this?)

I’ve had green olives tossed in my dining room, crayons dropped down my heater vents, and toys thrown against bedroom walls I’d spent hours painting and stenciling beautiful for the kids. I’ve had a teenager run away as I was showering and getting ready for a blind date. That’s a great date opener, “Hi! Nice to meet you! Um…sorry, but I have to call the cops and report a runaway.” We had a nice night, but with the police showing up, I didn’t hear from him again.  There was screaming, hitting, biting, throwing, everything other kids probably do, and then “You’re not my mother.”  “No I’m not, but I’m loving you as one right now.”

Many have said, “Oh, it’s so great you are doing foster care, how wonderful of you, you’re a saint, they are so lucky to have you.” But the truth is, I was and am lucky to have had them.

I got to celebrate a child’s 8th birthday! I was able to cook and bake for children, do their laundry, read to them, drive them to school, attend choir concerts, play games, teach them to swim, hug them and wipe their tears…all the things a real mom gets to do every day. I got to see Kat, a girl I had for respite care on weekends, grow in more ways than you can imagine – from hygiene, to school, to self-esteem. I got to see Cass, a girl who has been on her own since 16, maintain a job and pay rent, learn to cook for herself and actually clean her room. Both of these girls graduated from high school and Kat has done some college courses. I couldn’t be prouder.

While I still do not have children, I did meet a wonderful man, and Brian and I married the day after my 40th birthday. I knew if God was going to make me wait so long to find someone, he was going to be good man. And God didn’t disappoint!

After taking seven years off from foster care, Brian and I have become licensed together and can take in foster children again. We are excited about the journey of doing this together, having kids in our home and making memories. I’m trusting God will guide some children into our home so this can be their forever home. And perhaps one day, someone may truly call me “Mom.” Until then, I’m grateful for every hug and every hand I get to hold, and I’m happy to be their Special Mama for as long as I am needed.

Jennifer

 

Amy B. Pederson - I had no idea it was National Foster Care Month, KariLee! So glad this post fell in May, then! Thanks so much for stopping by the blog, and glad you were able to read Jennifer’s post! May 27, 2013 – 11:29 pm

Amy B. Pederson - I love the “bonus” language too. So sweet. :)May 27, 2013 – 11:28 pm

Corri Rhoades-Bragg - My kids have never been so lucky to have a special Aunty and Uncle in their lives. You always do way more than you give yourself credit for!! Thank you for everything you have done for us. We love you!!May 24, 2013 – 3:31 am

KariLee Babin Pietz - Really a nice blog. May is National Foster Care Month and your story is refreshingly optimistic about this amazing work!May 23, 2013 – 5:35 am

Jennifer Johnson - And I love how you’ve always called them your bonus kids. May 23, 2013 – 5:28 am

Jennifer Johnson - Oh Becky. Thank you very much. I’m so happy for our re-found friendship. May 23, 2013 – 5:27 am

Jennifer Johnson - Ohhhhhh Momma. You are the best and I am so blessed to have you! Thank YOU for being such a wonderful Mom and friend. I live you always. May 23, 2013 – 5:25 am

Jennifer Johnson - Thank you Erica. And you never know where life will lead you. :)May 23, 2013 – 5:23 am

Jennifer Johnson - Thank you dear sweet Sue. May 23, 2013 – 5:22 am

Bil Nicholson - Love this! You are a wonderful person, JenniferMay 23, 2013 – 3:22 am

Sue Wentz - This is an awesome article Jennifer Johnson, I’m so proud of you and happy for you and Brian.May 23, 2013 – 2:37 am

Becky Potts - Jennifer Johnson you have been a friend for decades…. so glad that facebook has brought us back together…… billy and doug were close and that loss was so hard for him…. watching this opportunity for these kids to be privileged to be in your care is amazing…. they are so so blessed. I would love for you to take my name that my “bonus” daughters call me…. “bonus” mama. no step or foster…….. your bonus kids could not be more blessed to be placed in your loving home.May 23, 2013 – 2:08 am

Erica Carlson - You are a special mama! I always think about this journey, but haven’t been able to try it myself (maybe one day…)May 23, 2013 – 1:05 am

Mary Bragg - Jennifer and Brian I hope your dreams come true. I can never have too many grandchildren and all those kids called me Grandma. I loved them too. You make me proud Jennifer. Keep up your good work. Love you.May 22, 2013 – 5:40 pm

The Sweet Is Never As Sweet Without The Sour

This marks week three of Divine In The Daily’s 5-week guest post series titled Special Mamas! Every Wednesday in May, we’re honoring real-life mamas who have big hearts and stand bold and courageous in their unique mothering roles.

Two weeks ago, Jennifer Camp, blogger at You Are My Girls and mother of three from Northern California, kicked off our series with a guest post titled When Mothers Cry Rescue.

Last week, Tamara, mother of seven, was honored with a family photo session and beautiful tribute from her husband and children in this post!

This week, we continue the series with a guest post from the mama of a five-year-old boy who has autism. I met her three years ago and have followed her closely online since. Being a speech-language pathologist, I greatly admire the authenticity and bravery she demonstrates as she faces daily joys and challenges of raising a son with autism. I invited this mama to guest post anonymously because I wanted to grant her complete freedom to open her heart and share her journey without fear.

This mama once held a blog that was converted to a simple Facebook page called MNAutismMom. Click “Like” if you would like to follow her journey. If you have questions or comments for this mama, you are more than welcome to place a comment at the end of this blog post.

IN THE BEGINNING

Before I had my first and only son, I imagined that a baby was just one more thing on my “to-do” list.

After the exhausting activity of labor, I started to devour my baby books like I was cramming for some sort of exam. I was freaking out. I realized I didn’t know how to change a diaper and didn’t have a clue about a baby’s feeding schedule. I was happy to be naïve up until the day he was born, but I was unprepared for the test on June 13, 2007.

Of course, raising a child is not a test, but a non-stop life journey that has completely altered my world which has been just as hard as it has been good. And now I sound like a cliché. But, that’s the thing. He is a hard child to raise. Life is hard at times. My life had its challenges before this little boy entered the picture, but nothing other than my teaching degree prepared me for a moderately, classic form of autism in my son. And my teaching degree only helped me see the signs of his autism…nothing more.

Unlike most sane people, I did worry about autism before he was born (though I am learning that might not be as unusual as I thought, especially amongst teachers). I remember discussing these concerns with my mother and my friends.

My son didn’t hit any of his milestones on time and by 12 months I was pretty much convinced, but didn’t want to utter the word “autism” to the doctors in case I was wrong, in case I was inserting ideas into their head wrongly, in case I would be written off.

By 22 months, I had a team of people that created a 12+ page document confirming my fears and my Google searches. I cried. I grieved for years and my husband threw up on the side of Highway 494 the day we were told the diagnosis.

Sometimes people want to know how I knew so early. They don’t understand how I got him a diagnosis so early in life, but it’s not that hard to see when your child makes limited eye contact, finds light more interesting than people and isn’t doing most of what a typical child would do.

It really wasn’t hard to see his autism, but the people who didn’t want to see it, didn’t. Every single relationship was damaged and is still in repair. No one says anything appropriate to a special needs parent. My skin, so thin, my emotions transparent. I couldn’t hide my feelings. It was all I could think about initially.

It took me years to figure out that most people will not be able to handle conversations about autism in general (especially when you are grieving and initially finding out). For example, a neighbor would tell me how “normal” his behaviors were and I wouldn’t know to respond. I would read potty training books and my dad would tell me how I was worrying unnecessarily and that I had to learn how to just enjoy my baby. And my relationship with my sister was ultimately one of the most strained because she was always my soft place to fall before my child was born. I eventually just stopped talking to her about him if I could, resorting to only telling her the progress – you know, the good stuff and even that somehow hurt me. Her response? Something about how one day he might get to live in a group home. Wow, thanks.

Just writing this down makes me tear up. There are no social guidelines for telling people about a child’s autism diagnosis. Maybe they are in their own shock and can’t recognize the pain of the parent’s. And that’s the thing, it’s my pain, not my child’s. He doesn’t know he has autism. The pain is all in me. I don’t expect the world to know what to say, how to react, but I had to learn that the hard way.

Sometimes it’s actually the people you don’t know that will be your soft place. The applied behavior analysts (ABA), speech, occupational and physical therapists will be the most supportive, loving and understanding people in your adult life. And no one tells you that all of those other people you thought you knew, will have no idea what to say or do. There will be no casseroles for the grieving mothers and fathers. There will be little said that is appropriate or comforting.

And then, one day, you forgive them. The anger flows over and you realize they didn’t know better.

You learn who to trust.

You learn who to confront and when.

You learn who to let go of completely and move on.

Because he is YOUR CHILD. The one you have been called to love and nurture.

Words do hurt, but the child that people can’t see has special needs, WILL show them over time who he is and is not. And you learn to stop defending your point of view because unfortunately you no longer have to. 

5-YEARS-OLD

In a month, my baby turns 6. This is the first birthday that isn’t making me cringe. The other birthdays were so painful. A reminder of all the milestones he couldn’t accomplish yet. All of the hard work we had left ahead. The fear of the future. What does it all mean?

And as he leaves 5 behind, it was the hardest year to date. I realized at some point, that when he was first diagnosed it was about me. Completely selfish…my life and yes, his too. Autism = language and social deficits, distinct interest in very particular things that override the ability to work on and learn other skills.

When he was little he would hang on me. There was no independence. He recently stopped being fed by adults. He would fall apart, scream, and cry if he wasn’t getting what he wanted. Realize this isn’t a spoiled child, but a child that can’t regulate feelings, can’t communicate. I babied him and it wasn’t until the last 6 months that he started doing more and more on his own. Just this week, I observed him urinate without an adult standing over him and he’s even going without some prompting! It’s been 6 years of having a very dependent child. The years of not being able to make dinner or turn my back on him have just recently become past memories. Speech has finally crept in. He can now answer choice questions “do you want red or blue?” He pretends to talk on the phone and jabbers away despite it not being actual words yet. He amazes me.

But there is still another side we are currently dealing with on a daily basis, which is 5-years-old, the year of self-injury. Two plus years ago it started as a head nod. It wasn’t typical, but it wasn’t a problem either. Last spring it started in the car. He just decided he didn’t like our car rides to and from school and he started to head whip forward, causing a cracking sound.

The doctors didn’t agree – stim, tic? Does it matter? Does he need meds? We started to take him to a chiropractor for self-inflicted whiplash. We started him on medicine for kids with Tourettes, which didn’t work; we even changed his day therapy program to lessen the car ride.

Whiplash eventually led to face slapping, which intensified to the point the school was demanding we get additional supports at home. We were in over our head. “You need more for him, we can’t help you the way you need,” they said. The speech therapist initiated feeding therapy and cancelled it within a month due to his behaviors. It was out of control.

And right when it was over my ability to cope, I started to unravel. No control. Fears overwhelmed me. What happens to your child if you can’t deal?  Christmas was painful. He continually hit himself. No logic. I got a nice chunk of time off for winter and it was horrible. Neurology appointments, another EEG, no answers. How do we live with a child that hits himself over and over again? It’s not painful to watch. It’s unbearable.

It all stopped on January 1.

Two months respite.

And then it was back.

And it got worse, but different. He got a cold or flu. It wasn’t a big deal as far as anyone could observe. It lasted 2 weeks. He lost 7-8 lbs. I thought watching my baby whip his head as hard as he could was intense, but the days he stopped eating were some of the hardest in my life. My husband and I snap at each other hard during these days. Everything holds together by a string. I go to work to forget my life at home is harder than I can handle. I email his school daily to see what approaches, interventions are working or are not. I would take him to the doctor 5 times in 2 weeks. No answers. Blood drawn, hospitalization around the corner, his little skeletal system showing so clearly. Could my son starve himself to death? Should I still be going into work? How long will this last?

And then it just hit me. Stop trying to give him his normal, preferred foods and get him kid approved junk food. And so I did. I gave him the choice of anything. He chose chocolate pudding and I fed him. I was victorious. He moved on to a Pop Tart, Little Debbie cakes, cookies, cake, and ice cream. He didn’t stop. He tried nearly half of the $100 worth of junk food I had just acquired from Target. After the second food, he was finally feeding himself without spitting or injuring himself.

And ever since then, he gained the weight back and we just remember those days as the hardest to date. Luckily for us, not a continuous issue. Just a strange detour on the journey.

WHAT I KNOW

I am relieved, but it’s not over. This new chapter of being 6-years-old begins with a new slew of therapists helping us outside of his normal therapy hours. His head bobbing has turned into a fist-to-chin; he is basically punching himself. His little chin is red and irritated from constant hitting. His knuckles are red too.

It’s painful to watch, and the complexity of this behavior is beyond a regular ole’ parent’s ability. I will make the sacrifices I need to within my marriage, career and social life if that means he can have a safe and happy life.

Autism has many lessons that are just as positive as they are hard. Not only did I learn early in his life that we only have so much control, but we also can’t take things for granted. The biggest lesson learned is how some children never learn to take care of themselves, dependent on others for bathroom needs, dressing and learning basic academic skills. Despite being a teacher, I have learned about a world of individuals I would have frankly not known to exist.

As I learned about these things, the fear grew. Would my child ever talk to us? Have friends? Make his own meals? Graduate from diapers? What if he lives with me forever? Have a job? What school will he go to?

How could I possibly care that my neighbor is going on and on about how her 2-year-old isn’t potty trained when she hasn’t noticed my 5-year-old standing there in a diaper? This is just a small thing. Rude, but forgivable. I want to scream ”BUT HE WILL BE POTTY TRAINED ONE DAY! What if my child never gets out of DIAPERS?”

But, that’s the thing. These things people say to me are just a small part of the bigger picture. I am worried endlessly with a list of what-ifs and those questions burned in my head. But some of the what-ifs and questions have been replaced with beauties I failed at the beginning to know were ahead.

No matter what my son accomplishes, when he accomplishes something I am AMAZED.

I didn’t know that when he first spoke a word it would feel like a MIRACLE. It wouldn’t be kind of cool. It wouldn’t be like – wow, that’s neat. It would feel like my mind was being blown and that it was all going to be ok.

When he walked up to the toilet for the first time this week, lifted the seat and urinated on his own without reinforcement or prompting – it was INSANE. There aren’t words for realizing your son might not live his teen and adult years in diapers.

When he learned how to navigate the You Tube app and play with a preferred toy without an adult it was AMAZING.

The day he stopped asking people to feed him (recently) was UNBELIEVABLE.

My son didn’t willingly crawl until he was 4. His first words were ABC and I love you. He can take his glasses on and off without help, and shows he understands what we say despite being able to speak conversationally. He calls me mommy, sometimes.

There is nothing on this earth that has ever given me joy like watching my son accomplish goals we wanted for him years ago. The lows may be low. They may be lower than non-special needs parents can comprehend or care to know. But I get a gift on the other side of this parenting journey that some will never understand too. For that, no matter how hard it might get, it sure makes those highs even higher. I do wish I could share what that feels like. And I can’t wait to see what else is in store for the chapters ahead.

I love you sweetheart.

 

Vicki Thunstrom - This was so amazingly beautiful. Thank you for sharing a bit of your life with us. It gives me so much perspective on life. When I am frustrated with my own child and having my own pity party, I pray I will remember you and others and pray for your victories along the way. SO many blessings to you and your family.May 21, 2013 – 3:35 am

MNAutismMom - Thank you for taking the time to read and comment on my post.May 18, 2013 – 8:09 pm

Heather Shedivy Hodge - Bless your heart! May 16, 2013 – 3:14 am

Nicole Marie Newfield - This is so insightful. Prayers as you continue this journey!May 15, 2013 – 10:47 pm

Meet Tamara: Special Mama of Seven

This marks week two of Divine In The Daily’s 5-week guest post series titled Special Mamas! Every Wednesday in May, we’re honoring real-life mamas who have big hearts and stand bold and courageous in their unique mothering roles.

Last week, Jennifer Camp, blogger at You Are My Girls and mother of three from Northern California, kicked off our series with a guest post titled When Mothers Cry Rescue.

This week, the series continues with a post honoring a very special MAMA OF SEVEN, Tamara! I met Tamara and her lovely family three or four years ago. From the second I met Tamara, I recognized she was a treasure. It’s a rare occasion when a woman enters my life and I know without a doubt she could become a great friend if the circumstances were ripe – Tamara is that woman for me. Although circumstances haven’t been as ripe as I’d like, I’m not letting Tamara out of my sight. Tamara is a delight. She’s sweet, kind, gracious, loving, authentic, beautiful, relaxed, and so relatable.

Tamara is one busy mama with seven children in her care, so a standard guest post was NOT in order for this special mama! I teamed with my favorite photographer Jessica (previously featured in this post) who generously offered the family a complimentary family photo session, and asked Tamara’s husband to guide their older children in a writing exercise on “Why My Mom is Special.” So today, we present Tamara with this special Mother’s Day gift!

 

Elijah, age 13

I love my mom because she is thoughtful, caring, helpful and understanding. She is basically everything that is synonymous with the word “loving.” Sure she cooks our meals, helps us with our 123s, our ABCs and tucks us into bed at night, but it’s something else about her that makes her stand our from the rest; her complete selflessness. I cannot remember a time when my mom has done anything, said anything or worried about anything that had to do remotely with herself. Some days we ask her, “are you even going to eat?” because she typically forgets to make herself a plate of food in the hustle and bustle of preparing for all 8 of us. She also usually prepares so much food for us that her forgetting to take a plate is even more amplified because there is plenty left over to prevent us from saying things like, “I’m still hungry” any time soon. Another example of her selflessness is that she will clean up our pet’s excrement even though (myself included) we all vowed that if she would allow us to have a pet we would clean up after it. Yes, my mom is truly special and for that I am truly thankful, though some days I don’t appropriately show it.

 

Joshua, age 11
I love mama because she would take us to the apple orchard during the daytime to play on the hay bales and even when the corn maze was not open she would work to make it fun for us. She would always make us feel better when we didn’t make the baseball team. She would say “don’t worry, it will be fine; besides you will be able to better hone your skills on the not-as-good team.” On Christmas Day, she hid presents for me and surprised me with a bow-and-arrow set that I wanted, but didn’t think we had the money to get. She tells me the story of when I was born and had jaundice real bad and how she sat up with me all night while I wore the “light-blanket” until my kidneys began functioning normally. She lets me run outside in the woods and pretend that I’m hunting big animals and let’s me chase the wild turkey even though she knows I can’t catch them. She has always made sure I didn’t feel bad when my older brother got to go to a birthday party and I didn’t. She would say, “someday you’ll have just a good of friends your own age” and she was right.

 

 

Jeremiah, age 9
I like mama because she gives me a good book to read. I also like mama because when I say, “I’m bored” she gives me stuff to do. I also like that she gave a big effort to help me learn to read. When I started to learn cursive she bought me a cursive alphabet book that helped me get my letters facing the right way.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Isabella, age 8
I like mama because she let me help her bake a cake. I like mama because she let Micah, Savannah, Joshua, Jeremiah, Elijah and Daddy have a fire outside last Mother’s Day and last night. I like mama because she reads to me especially before bedtime. I like mama because she helped me not to be afraid of the dark when the train used to whistle by at night. I like mama because when it was my birthday she gave me a robe. I like mama because she gave me a calendar.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Dominica “Mina,” age 6
I like mama because she understands when I get in a bad mood. She helps me think about something else and do something else to “break out of my mood.” I also like that mama tells me to play whatever sport I want; even baseball with my brothers. She says that I can put my strong mind to whatever I want and I can do it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Micah, age 4

I like mama because when I was in the hospital after having 4 seizures in one day she stayed with and never left me for 3 days and nights. She also allowed me to watch a lot of cartoon videos while I was in the hospital bed so I wouldn’t feel sad. She reads me bedtime stories before I go to bed even when it’s already later than my bedtime.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Savannah, age 2

I love mama because she lets me sleep in the same bed with her when daddy is working late at night or when I wake up and can’t sleep. Even though I kick her all night she still lets me sleep next to her. She never gets too mad when I scream even though my voice is louder than all of my brothers and sisters put together.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Maurice, age 51
Now almost 18 years ago, I saw this woman walk into our church and knew “she was the one,” and she has continued to be the one ever since. We are now almost 17 years down the road and I am still captivated and aggravated by her as ever (maybe that’s what it takes to make 17 years fly by like 4 or 5). Maybe it’s also the 7 live births we have had that make up our biggest blessing: our 7 children. It’s quite possible that they’ve had much to do with making this journey seem like it’s only getting started. I would “stalk” Tamara in the same way I did when we first met and hopefully she would still say “yes.” I want to be clear I am probably one of the more subtly difficult people to live with as the complexities of being married to me only surface once the “stage lights” dim. However, although I may still be a question mark in some minds, Tamara has still seemed to find a reason to allow me to remain and enjoy the best deal God ever offered me. I have seen her walk through highs and dramatic lows and yet she has worked to maintain both her faith and composure in a way that her closest friends marvel. I’m sure she could have done better than a guy like me, but it’s clear that I couldn’t have done better than a girl like her.

 

All photography in this post compliments of Jessica. If you are interested in hiring Jessica to photograph your family, please email me at amybpederson@hotmail.com and I will share Jessica’s contact information with you! Thank you Jessica for sharing your time and talents to photograph this beautiful family. I am so grateful.

Dara Apolloni - Love!May 13, 2013 – 8:12 pm

Juamil Lezer - She is such and amazing woman! I am so glad that you were able to honor her in this way. May 13, 2013 – 4:57 pm

Amy B. Pederson - Good point…this family wouldn’t be complete without the leadership of Maurice!May 9, 2013 – 10:04 pm

Amy B. Pederson - Marty, you’re so right about Tamara being lighthearted. She is clearly gifted for her role of mama of seven. I remember one time the older boys had been away with their grandpa for some days. When they came back, I asked how it had been to have fewer kids at home. I’ll always remember Tamara’s response…she said she felt most at peace when ALL of her kids were at home and in their normal routine. To me, the fact that the house felt MORE peaceful to her with ALL the kids there rather than just a few was a sign she was meant to fulfill this special role. May 9, 2013 – 10:03 pm

Jane Ccoksey - An accurate and well-deserved celebration of a very unique, beautiful woman! I am truly blessed to be one of Tamara’s friends. She inspires me and provokes me to Godliness every time I am with her. Such loveliness!!!May 9, 2013 – 1:27 pm

Nancy Hickman - I loved reading Amy’s blog about Tamara and her family too, Carol. The children’s comments were so sweet!May 9, 2013 – 6:18 am

Marty Campolo - I meant to say lovely although she is lively as well!May 9, 2013 – 2:33 am

Marty Campolo - What a beautiful tribute to a beautiful woman. I was just talking about my lively niece to a friend the other day, saying I don’t think I’ve ever met a more lighthearted mom in my life. What a gift to your kids you are!May 9, 2013 – 2:31 am

Edna Thorpe - I am so proud and grateful for this presentation of my grandaughter, her husband and wonderful children. I receive real letters in cursive written by my great-grandchildren and this is something I brag about to my frends. Tamare is their teacher as well as their mother.May 9, 2013 – 2:05 am

Carol Femling - Wow! As I read about each child, I was mesmerized by their beauty inside and outside—BEAUTIFUL children in every way! What a beautiful and awesome mama too! You’ve done a wonderful job raising your children. And….. Maurice…don’t sell yourself short. You are part of this beautiful family too and because you are an awesome papa you too are a special blessing! I will never forget how loving and caring your family was to one of my daughters and baby a few years back. You generously offered your help, even though you had several children of your own to take care of. Thank you from the bottom of our hearts! You are a gift from God! Happy Mother’s Day, Tamara! We need more mamas like you in this world! P.S> Love the photos, Jessica! Beautiful family to photograph! :)May 9, 2013 – 12:43 am

Melissa Coleman - It’s true, everyone, it’s really all true, and we could say SO much more about our sweet Tamara. This tribute is absolutely deserved (though she would never say so), and I thank God that the author didn’t wait until her eulogy to say it. Tamara is a gift. She is forever positive and looks on the bright side of even the darkest clouds. She instills hope, goodness, and courage in everyone who gets to meet her. Even amidst her own personal tragedies she has agreed with the Lord to minister to those around her instead of pitying herself. Elijah is right on, completely selfless (again, she would never think so). Tam, I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, it is an unspeakable blessing to walk out life with you! Love you, girl.May 8, 2013 – 11:15 pm

Steve Connelly - Very nice!May 8, 2013 – 9:51 pm

Carrie Padgett Richardson - Beautiful!May 8, 2013 – 5:48 pm

Vicki - What a lovely tribute! Happy Mothers Day!May 8, 2013 – 3:14 pm

Amy - Mary, I know exactly what you mean. Tamara has a glow about her that is very unique. Like our pastor said a couple weeks ago, one of the best compliments you can offer a Christian is that you see God through them. I’ve only met a few women in my lifetime that have exhibited that sure presence, Tamara is one.May 8, 2013 – 1:25 pm

Mary Davies - Tamara is my niece. I visited her in Kenya in 1995, where she was a student missionary. She was aglow, and not just with her silver and gold coloring! I felt I could see the light of God in her, as did the people around her. I’ve never forgotten it.May 8, 2013 – 12:13 pm

When Mothers Cry Rescue

Today, Divine In The Daily launches a 5-week guest post series titled Special Mamas! Every Wednesday in May, we’ll honor real-life mamas who have big hearts and stand bold and courageous in their unique mothering roles.

 I’m delighted to kick off the Special Mamas series with a guest post from Jennifer. Jennifer is a sweet woman and one of many “soul sisters” I’ve found in the blogging community. I deeply admire the way she so humbly and gracefully speaks truth with words and videos on her blog. I invited Jennifer to be a part of this series because she has an incredible gift for sharing the depths of her HEART and SOUL for women.

Jennifer, voice finder and wife of a heart-warrior, in Northern California, mothers three children, writes Loop: What You Need to Know, and leads My Girls, a group where women gather to remember the truth of their identity, in God’s eyes. You can also find Jennifer writing at youaremygirls.com and connecting at You are My Girls Community, on Facebook. She would love to have you join her there.

She looks at me with eyes that plead. “Tell me . . . tell me I’m doing okay. I need to hear it, even if I can’t believe it.”

Right now.

She feels like she runs around in circles all day. She chose to stay at home, knowing she should appreciate the choice, the opportunity. She wanted to stay close, love on her children, plunge full on into the privilege of shaping lives.

But it’s hard. And she doubts she has what it takes to do it well.

She fills out pages of applications for her son’s middle school. Her child’s potential success just ahead.  Just ahead is beginning. Just ahead is opportunity. Just ahead is fulfillment. Just ahead.

Right now.

She fills the afternoons with activities, play practice and karate, language class and piano, football and dance team. She provides her children with chances to learn—to be challenged, stimulated, curious about the world. Their success is her success. And all the running around and shuttling to and fro and being home for a few minutes before dinner time, to get homework done, is a good, full day.

Right now.

She scoops up her newborn and sways, offering comfort in a weary arm curled ‘round, her baby’s nose nestled in the warmth of white t-shirt. A two-year old sleeps in the next room, one moment flowing into the next into the next. Time stretches on like a relay race ‘round a track, the baton never passed. Seemingly in circles. Seemingly never-ending.

This day. Just this day.

Right now.

She is going on four hours of sleep but one thing she knows. This baby, this beloved, needs a mama’s heart pressed to her own. So she gives and she gives and she is weary.

Tell me, please, that I am doing okay.

Right now.

We are mothers and there is one thing, above all, that we crave: Tell me, tell me . . . it is okay to not be okay. Tell me, tell me . . . it is okay to not be fine. Tell me, tell me . . . it is okay to feel like I don’t have what it takes. Tell me, tell me . . . it is okay if I am unsure and ill equipped and fed up and, sometimes, I feel, more than anything, that I just want to run away.

It is okay.

Because while we chase down what we hope is the very best life for our children, we, at our core, need rescue.

Rescue in the staying by our child, in the night, while tears stream down and the night terrors make him scream.

Rescue in the bending low to listen close, once again, as the girls at school don’t want her included, or the grades just aren’t measuring as high as they should.

Rescue in the feeling depleted and worn down and the uncertainty about how help, in this mothering business, will come.

Yes, let us be weary and weak while confident and strong. Let us be willing to be rescued.

Right now.

We are mothers, and we hold our children close and we let them go. We are mothers, and we pour out love and fear and worry and hopes and everything we are. We are mothers, and we mother with a heart full and perfectly imperfect love when we allow ourselves to be loved, as a beloved, too.

Oh, mothers, let’s lay it down. Let’s lay down our need for control, our desire to be right, our quest to fill up our kids because we, ourselves, need to be filled. Let us be filled first, and let that be what overflows. Let us be filled first so we are strengthened in our weakness, emboldened to stay and rest rather than run. Let us be filled first so that in our being rescued we don’t run, we stay.

There is nothing like the stretching, the fear, the desperation filled with terror of unknowns as we parent. There is nothing like the vulnerability, the stretched-wide open heart, the beating, bleeding mess we become when the responsibility to mother well feels so heavy we feel we will surely break. We can barely manage to live lives of strength, fearlessness, confidence ourselves.

We often still feel like children and now we are entrusted to raise our own. We have hearts broken and healed, beating fast with expectation for what is around the corner. We love our children more than anyone could have ever explained to us is possible.

So we must remember that we have been rescued. And because we have been rescued we have what it takes to be in the right now for the someday. What if we were less focused on the somedays, the what-ifs, the fears and worries of raising our children? Could we then, possibly, slow down? Could we then, possibly love them in this present?

If we have been rescued from the burden of needing to have parenting all figured out, perhaps we are free to enter the right now with our children and love them from our own rescued, free heart?

As mothers, let’s accept the invitation to love in the right now.

Because we are rescued.

Because we are not alone.

Because loving in the right now does not mean rescuing our children, too.

 Jennifer Camp

Meet Tamara » Divine in the Daily - […] Last week, Jennifer Camp, blogger at You Are My Girls and mother of three from Northern California, kicked off our series with a guest post titled When Mothers Cry Rescue. […]May 8, 2013 – 7:14 am

Jennifer Johnson Camp - I was speaking to my heart, too! So glad to be here, with you, Kristin.May 4, 2013 – 12:05 am

Jennifer Johnson Camp - Thank you, Dolly!May 4, 2013 – 12:03 am

Kristin Hill Taylor - Well, Jennifer Johnson Camp, you wrote words that spoke directly to my heart. Like this: “Oh, mothers, let’s lay it down. Let’s lay down our need for control, our desire to be right, our quest to fill up our kids because we, ourselves, need to be filled. Let us be filled first, and let that be what overflows. Let us be filled first so we are strengthened in our weakness, emboldened to stay and rest rather than run. Let us be filled first so that in our being rescued we don’t run, we stay.”May 3, 2013 – 9:13 pm

Dolly Lee - Love my friend Jennifer Johnson Camp’s wise words to parent in the present because God is present with us.May 2, 2013 – 11:30 pm

Jennifer Johnson Camp - Pamela, oh, your wisdom . . .I need to hang out with you! I love your heart, and I am blessed by your desire to be present, to love your children where they are, no matter their age! Love this. Thank you.May 2, 2013 – 5:15 am

Pamela Cessna Kuhn - I used to think when my children were out of their teenage years I would hang up my mother’s hat. But my 20 year old and 29 year old still needs me. And I need to still live in the Right Now. Thank you for helping to make that clear today when I need it most. Sympathizing with disappointments is hard on a mother, but regardless, the joy is in the mothering right here…today.May 1, 2013 – 11:34 pm

Amy - Vicki, isn’t that the truth? So glad Jennifer’s words spoke to you today.May 1, 2013 – 4:55 pm

Vicki - This so spoke to my heart today. I often overwhelm myself worrying about the future that I miss out on the right now. Thank you for the beautiful reminder to be in the right now. <3May 1, 2013 – 3:43 pm

Jennifer - (response to Elodie)
Elodie, I am so thrilled, sister. Oh, we just need to hear Him telling us this, sometimes. And again. :) Bless you. We are just not alone, in the right now. So thankful for that!May 1, 2013 – 2:22 pm

Elodie Ransley - I am not kidding you, I literally just had this conversation an hour ago. “Tell me, tell me . . . ” And you did tell me and I did need so badly to hear it. And it was like someone applied some sort of soothing balm to the parts of me that were raw and splitting open. Thank you.May 1, 2013 – 2:04 pm

Mother, you need rescue. Me too. - You Are My Girls - […] For the rest of this post, come on over to my friend Amy’s place, where she is beginning a special series about moms. I am so excited about it! […]May 1, 2013 – 9:26 am